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Dating the 'wrong man' can mean death in India
Sydney Morning Herald - September 22, 2016
The "wrong man" can turn out to be someone like Surender Singh, 34, who on Tuesday stabbed Karuna Kumar, a school teacher, more than 20 times in a busy street in north Delhi – people passing by did nothing – having stalked her relentlessly for more than a year.
Kumar, 28, had repeatedly told him to leave her alone, but he refused to listen. Everywhere she turned as she went to work, shopping, or to meet friends, she would see him standing in the shadows at street corners.
The "wrong man" is not someone who isn't compatible or turns out to have different interests. It's a man who, after centuries of dominating women, cannot stomach a woman rejecting his advances or marriage proposal. In his rage, he decides that such a woman must be punished – with a stabbing, with acid, with rape, assault or murder.
As Indian society changes and the earlier strict segregation between the sexes loosens up, Indian women and men have started dating. While women are open to new experiences and looking for romance in equal relationships, the men are often trapped in a feudal mentality.
They want to go out with a girl and they want romance. But – and this is when it goes horribly wrong – if that girl spurns their overtures, they are enraged that the sense of entitlement they grew up with isn't being 'respected' by the girl. This is the main reason for violent crimes against women.
The 2012 gang rape of young women in New Delhi that created headlines across the world made the city known as the Rape Capital of India. Kumar's brutal stabbing has revealed that New Delhi is close to being the stalking capital of the country too.
The city ranks second among Indian states in terms of the number of stalking cases registered, according to government statistics for 2015: Delhi accounted for 18 per cent of all stalking cases in India.
Within a period of 48 hours, in addition to Kumar's murder, a 25-year-old woman was thrown from the first floor balcony of her home by a man who had been stalking her and a 28-year-old woman died after being stabbed, again by a stalker.
Dating in India is new, very fluid, untried and untested, with both sides not quite knowing the rules. Collisions are happening. Signals are being misread. But there are two other reasons for ongoing crimes against women.
One is that stalkers roam around with a sense of impunity because they know that legal action is an option their victims will not resort to. The legal system is in paralysis. It is clogged with more than 30 million cases. It takes at least a decade for a case to reach a verdict.
"When families know it will probably be more than a decade before the stalker is punished, they don't bother taking legal action," said political commentator Parsa Venkateshwar Rao. "That means the stalker can continue harassing the poor girl. They are not scared of punishment because it is so remote and distant."
In fact, this was the reason why Kumar's father, Naresh, opted for a 'compromise' with his daughter's stalker. He spoke to Singh and his parents to dissuade Singh from his frightening Hitchcock-like stalking.
They were given a promise that it would stop. The family began to relax – to the extent that Naresh Kumar felt he could leave the city to attend a relative's funeral. He returned to find Karuna dead.
"Seeking a compromise is usually not a good idea," said deputy police commissioner Madhur Verma. "The stalker agrees to stay away under face to face pressure, but it doesn't usually last. It's better to get the police involved."
Bollywood must bear some of the blame. A classic scene in most films is a man chasing a woman he is attracted to. She shows no interest, even scorning him. But by dint of continuing his pursuit, to the point of harassment, the girl eventually succumbs and falls into his arms.
"This image is so deep rooted in men's minds that they think it is a normal thing to do," said New Delhi film buff Anita Verma. "They think the woman expects it and enjoys it."
Kumar's stabbing has prompted social activists in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, south India, to start an online petition urging the film industry to stop portraying this scene.
"Tamil films routinely promote stalking as an acceptable, even preferred way of wooing a woman," drama researcher Iswarya V. told the Indian Express. "They also deny women the right to say "no' to their stalker."
If the Tamil film industry has been urged to support this online petition, it's because the state has seen half a dozen women being murdered in recent months for rejecting men who had been stalking them.
In August, a stalker walked into the home of a schoolgirl, set himself on fire and hugged her while shouting that he would not let her live. He had been stalking her for a year. The girl died three days later.
In July, a female software engineer was hacked to death in broad daylight on a railway platform. Her attacker was a man who had stalked her for months after she had rejected his marriage proposal.
Ironically enough, cinema halls throughout India this week have been playing what is probably the most powerful feminist message ever to come out of the film industry. Pink is a new film that stars the legendary Amitabh Bachchan and its core message is, 'When a woman says no, it means no'.
Source: http://www.smh.com.au/world/dating-the-wrong-man-can-mean-death-in-india-20160922-grm8z8.html.
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